I wanted to run away from
home. I wasn't a 10 year old, threatening my mother because she wanted me
to clean my room, I was the mother. I had always wanted to be a mother. When
all my friends talked about their future careers, I shocked them by saying,
"I just want to be a wife and mother." When I was 23, I had met and married
my husband and we had started our family. This was the happily ever after
I always dreamed about right? So why after 14 years of marriage and six children
did I want to run away from home? The better question is where did I want
to go? I wanted to go someplace where it was quiet, where children didn't
quarrel, where everything was spotless, where peace and harmony flowed, and
everyone was happy. But why run away? Some how, I felt I wasn't measuring
up as a wife and mother. It seemed like everyone around me had a perfect life.
I compared myself to the women at church who I felt were more sucessful. The
glimpses I had into their lives were so radically different than the life
I was living. Some of the areas in which I compared myself were things I saw
with my own eyes, some just imagined ideals, but here was my picture of their
typical day. They'd wake up early and read their scriptures before their morning
jog. They'd cheerfully wake their children, who'd quickly get ready for school
because their clothes had been laid out the night before. Next they'd proceed
downstairs to morning prayer and scriptures, then a hot cooked breakfast,
and off to school. A quick tidy around the house by 10 am, then the rest of
the day was open to complete a project on their perfectly decorated home,
or time to volunteer at school or add a page to their scrapbooks that are
all up to date. Soon it was time for the kids to come home. A homemade after
school snack, while everyone began their homework, then off to play, while
mom prepared a delicious dinner. Dinner was at 5:30 sharp. Everyone pitched
in to do the dishes because it was family night. After a wonderful lesson,
in which everyone participated in a lively gospel discussion, and family prayer,
it was rootbeer floats and off to bed by 8:00pm. Then Mom and Dad would have
time to spend together before going to bed before 10pm. I know this sounds
cynical, but here was my contrast. I'd drag my self out of bed so I could
drag my kids out of bed, who'd have to pick through the pile of clean laundry
on the couch, (I'd hope it didn't look too wrinkled). As they'd quickly inhale
a bowl of cold cereal, I'd be looking through the sock basket for a pair of
socks. On the way to school, I'd go through their backpacks. We'd arrive at
school right as the tardy bell was ringing. I'd head home to clean up the
dishes from the night before. After 17 interuptions from my 2 preschoolers,
I'd start the dishwasher, and sit down for a minute. Then I stopped to take
a hard look at my house. I saw the ripped fabric on my dirty sofa. The paint
that needed touching up, the dust on every surface. The carpet that I couldn't
afford to get cleaned, then I glared at my vacuum that broke a week ago and
I felt overwhelmed. I started to pick up the family room when the phone rang.
I'm hoped that it was a call for a job interview. My husband had always worked
2 jobs, but was laid off from his full time job, and our main source of income.
He had been looking for 5 months, but still nothing was happening. No, it
wasn't a call for a job interview, actually it was a vaccuum salesman. Now
it was time for me to get ready for work at my new part time job. I hadn't
worked outside the home for 14 years. I forgot to take something out for dinner,
and my house hadn't been deep cleaned for months now, but I was off to work.
I'd dread coming home to the mess, but maybe tommorow I'd have more energy
to get something done. I got home from work at 9pm and everyone was still
awake, except dad who fell asleep an hour earlier. By 10pm most of the kids
were in bed. I got in a few chapters of the Book of Mormon before I finally
fell asleep. Soon I heard the alarm going off for my husband to go to work.
The next day it started over. And now for some reason I was feeling like I
wanted to run away from home. I realized that more than my life itself, it
was the comparing that was keeping me down. Feeling like I wasn't good enough.
I didn't dislike the women who seemed to have it together financially, emotionally
or physically. I envied them. But it was the envy that was defeating me. This
was my life and, nobody elses. I am the glue that holds us together. How I
feel determines how everyone in the house feels. This was my calling. Peace
can come from understanding that there are circumstances out of my control,
and they did affect me, but they didn't have to defeat me. I just had to do
the best I could. There is a place I really could run away to, that had everything,
including the peace I longed for. It's called the temple. I could run away
to the temple every week or more than that. I could renew my spirit and go
back out to face it all again, besides, if I really ran away, I would have
had to take my husband, 6 kids and even our kitten with me, because I would
never be happy with out them.
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